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Too Much Going On My Mind //self rant

Published: May 19, 2014

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_{oh no here come sentimental/frustrated Natsu //falls down

I hope none of you mind me speaking my mind here ;__; I feel really dumb even posting these kind of things on the internet since I don't like speaking about how I really feel about things sometimes. (i'll probs delete this later)

I get these moments where I just over think things more than I should, and get frustrated or upset OTL
I have a thing I want to tell my parents but I'm nervous what they'll think or will they think differently of me...especially my dad... I have strict parents but my mom is a lot more understanding~ (Don't worry it's not terrible lol...just...idk -- like 2 people know about this only)
hnnn then there's my envy( there's the good kind and a bad kind) I tend to be really envious of people sometimes...I wish I could be in their shoes at least once....I hate getting the bad envy.
My friends....aha...what friends?(irl) I find them just for self convenience....and that's the most awful and selfish thing I could ever think of them....I'm terrible...but...so are some of them....Many people are....aren't they?
I wish I was one of those people that had affectionate friends that make me feel welcomed or warm inside...even talking about the same interest would be nice too
I've been betrayed before...and she used to be my best friend...we didn't talk for about 6 months...and you know what the worst part was? She was there in front of me every single day hanging with my friends and I, but we would just ignore each other. It was awkward and painful, I lost track of how much she made me cry...I hate crying...I hate showing such weakness...I remember me laughing and crying in front of others when they would ask me what was wrong...To this day she still thinks we're best friends...but she's somehow different and I only see her as a "friend"...I won't forget all those awful things she said to me.
There's no one irl I could reach my hand out without them making a snarky comment or being at least bit understanding.
I feel like if I speak my problems to someone I'll annoy them and I don't want that.
If I speak about my problems and I mention someone I always don't want the person to think ill of them. (Why do I do that?...I guess I just feel bad even if they're the problem...)

I usually try to act like the super nice and silly girl on the outside...but on the inside...I'm just some pessimistic, emotional, hateful, grump.
I act super kind to the people I dislike because I'm scared to be hated or judged...I just want to be kept away from problems....
I hate being naive sometimes...
I hate being compared to people "better" than me
I hate it when others look down on me...don't you dare look down on me.
I'll have those rare occasions where I suddenly snap or make a slight different comment...and I'll get criticize for it.
I love making others happy though, I put them before me sometimes...I don't like that...I need to put myself before others every once and a while.
I don't understand people...I don't understand myself.
I want to, but it's too overwhelming.
I want to be able to help others but I can only listen because I'm dead awful at advice and I just want to hug you people who need people just like I do.

Maybe I'm just being too self centered and being selfish with my thoughts...but who knows, you guys don't rly know what goes around me.

oh man that was really mean to say oh god I'm sorry---
but
but
I just don't know how much more bullshit I can take. (excuse my language.)
askfnalskfnasklfn
//covers face//

Some people think it's dumb to have internet friend or it's "dangerous" sure, I agree sometimes but the friends I have here have surely helped me a lot and you guys are amazing....I want to tear up when I think of the memories I've made here with a few of you i'm rly close to...or used to be close to?? ;n;
I feel awful that some of you message me and I reply 1294012950 years later or never reply and I'm sorry for that ;__; please do forgive me. It's...just my mood. augh
I'm a terrible human.
I'm sorry.
I have a habit of apologizing for anything I think I do is wrong.
I'm sorry.
I hope you guys don't think differently of me after this I just want to speak my mind...
I feel a bit more relieved after typing this shit.
but I feel rly stupid at the same time.
I'm sorry for being some troublesome nobody.
Please do know I'm still a really nice and caring person but this is just how I feel sometimes inside and it hits me so hard on the face but I try to hide it.
sigh
okay okay enough of me writing all this ridiculous amount of garbage.
Not what you would expect from Natsu right? aha
I'm going to bed.
Goodnight/Morning or whatever.
//flops}
Edit: holy crap I wrote a lot---

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Comments7

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HidingBeneathStars

May 20, 2014

short bullet point things but sorry if this ends up long ahaha ilysm:
Don't be nervous telling your parents things if they don't understand now, whatever it is, they will always love you and eventually perhaps will come to terms with whatever it is
Friendships are like mayonnaise; sometimes it's good sometimes it goes bad after a while orz. If you're 'friend' is causing you to react negatively it's best just to ''throw it out''. you just need to keep surrounding yourself with positive people!! It's natural to filter friends, in a sense, that's how we grow up!! (says the younger one here,,,,ahha) You A R E going to find those friends who you really connect to, sometimes it just takes time to find them or realize who they are! People change so maybe that's why you and your friend don't get along as well anymore! But alas you must keep all the good memories with you always and movee forwards!! Toxic relations will do no one good in the end.
YOU ARE N O T A NOBODY.
You are the wonderful babe that is super, super sweet, accepting, open-minded, talented Natus/Jackie!! AND THE ONE AND ONLY!!
IT IS NOT SELF CENTERED TO CARE ABOUT YOURSELF
you a l w a y s need to put yourself first then others. Take care of yourself before you offer yourself to others. You both need to be strong to work through things. And never hesitate to ask for help! In the end you will both get stronger!!
No I can't say I understand your situation because I'm not you!! We all have different experiance and we all need people to share them and live through with.
and I'm definitely here for you 1000000% of the time
so stay strong senpeepee!!